


aku takut kehilangan dirimu

by Wolfs_Got_Jokes



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV), Thirteen Reasons Why - Jay Asher
Genre: Boys In Love, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, M/M, Multi, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Polyamory, nothing graphic at all though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-09
Updated: 2019-10-09
Packaged: 2020-11-29 11:09:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20962985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolfs_Got_Jokes/pseuds/Wolfs_Got_Jokes
Summary: “My name is Justin Foley and I’m a survivor.”*Justin admits to something from his past. What if it's not Jessica he's dating, but Zach and Alex.*Basically just polyamory fluff. No graphic descriptions of anything.





	aku takut kehilangan dirimu

**Author's Note:**

> This story ignores basically all season 3 canon except that scene (and I guess Bryce is still dead but who cares. but no one in this story was involved in any way).  
I don't repeat Justin's confession to Jessica, so if you haven't watched season 3 this might be a little confusing.  
Enjoy!

“My name is Justin Foley and I’m a survivor.”

It feels like a heavy weight being lifted from his chest. This is the first time he ever admitted to anyone, including himself in some ways, that what was done to him was abuse. That it counts as sexual violence. 

He’s not sure himself what made him brave enough to declare it to the entire school, but it feels right. Jessica has been so brave, for so long and maybe it’s time for him to be brave too. For himself and for Jessica and Tyler and everyone else in this room and this school who had not been seen or heard by the people around them before. 

He’s shaking horribly, but the small smile Jessica gives him after her face shifts from disbelief to pride is more than enough to make up for it. Even though they never managed to go back to the way they were before, she’s still one of the most important persons in his life. They both moved on finally accepting that their romantic relationship had run its course, but she is probably his best friend in this whole world. It feels good to stand by her side in such an important moment. 

The rest of the assembly passes in what feels like seconds and not much later Jessica is by his side wrapping him in a big hug. She doesn’t say or ask anything, not here, not now, but he’s glad to know that they are okay. 

He feels raw and vulnerable after the confession he just made, but seeing all the other kids around him, looking relieved and proud and sharing moments of support and understanding is enough for him to know that he did the right thing. 

It doesn’t even really click for him what his confession might mean for his relationship until he sees Zach and Alex shooting him worried glances from the other side of the room where they are talking to Tyler. Of course he saw both of them tense up and give him worried and sad looks when he stood up, but in that moment he was way too terrified to really focus on it. 

Now though he can feel them worry from across the room and it’s freaking him out more than he’d like it admit. 

“Hey Justin, you still with me?” Jess asks and he looks back at her. 

“Yeah, yeah, sure. Can we maybe get out of here for a moment?” he asks her, suddenly feeling overwhelmed. 

“Of course,” she answers, giving him her sweetest smile and taking his hand to lead him out of the gym. He feels two pairs of eyes on him as the door closes. 

They don’t speak until they find an empty classroom, where they have some privacy. It’s hard to tell Jessica everything that happened but her hand holding onto his while they sit across from each other makes it at least a little better. 

“Justin, I’m so sorry that happened to you. You know I am always here for you, whatever you need okay?” 

He can tell she’s holding back tears, same as he is, but he’s glad he told her. He’s still so relieved that they are in a place to talk about this after everything that happened. Her own trauma and the role he played in it, his addiction, her fighting for justice, both of them fighting to overcome and heal after everything. It’s a small comfort, knowing that all of this has made their friendship that much stronger. 

They hug for a long time until finally Jessica breaks the silence. 

“Have you told anyone else? The Jensens? Clay?”

Justin shakes his head slowly. “No, no one really. It never really felt important, I guess. Everyone has their problems right?”

“Oh Justin. That doesn’t mean that you’re not allowed to talk about yours. You know that right?”

He nods slowly. Damn it. Clay will surely ask him about all this too. Not that he minds all that much. He’s been Clay’s brother long enough know to understand that he means well and would do literally anything to protect Justin. Clay and him will probably be alright. Matt and Lainie he’s more scared of though.

“They’ve just been so kind to me. I don’t want them to know that I’m even more fucked up than they know.”

“You’re not fucked up. Someone hurt you and you’re trying to get better, that doesn’t mean you’re broken.”

“I know. You’ve proven that a hundred times by now, you’ve been so strong Jess, through all of this. I just hope that I can be too. One day,” he admits quietly and she wraps an arm around his shoulder. 

“I’ve had a lot of great friends to support me. And you do too,” her smile is still honest and reassuring and he leans into her embrace for a moment. 

“What about Zach and Alex? You never told them either?”   
Justin tenses. He knew she would bring them up but he still doesn’t feel ready to talk about it. 

He can’t tell them. After everything they’ve been through it feels like destroying the best thing that ever happened to him when it had just begun.

He still wakes up often and finds himself unable to handle the sheer happiness he’s been feeling these last few months. Zach and Alex crashed into his misery and self destructive habits with such a force that he still isn’t sure what happened. 

He remembers the first time he met Alex again and how much Justin felt he had changed. Sure Alex was still struggling with the damage his suicide attempt had done but he seemed to be less angry at the world and himself. It took Justin, who was still struggling with his recovery and settling in at the Jensen’s household, a while to figure out that Zach was the reason for Alex’ happiness. 

Surprisingly enough Alex had been around a lot for Justin’s recovery and Zach was also more than happy to welcome his old friend back. Justin felt like both of them seemed different somehow, but it took being back at school and seeing the two of them together for things to click. 

“Are Zach and Alex dating?” 

He remembers asking a confused Clay during lunch break after days of watching these two glued to the other’s side, Zach carrying Alex’ books everywhere and the very fond looks they gave each other throughout the day. 

“Not that I know of,” Clay had answered, seemingly not all that interested in what was going on with them. 

For some reason Justin couldn’t really stop thinking about it though. Every time Zach wrapped an arm around Alex to steady him or Alex playfully tried to shove Zach away he couldn’t help but watch. At first he thought it was just curiosity and then later he had himself convinced that it was just because they would make a cute couple, but neither explanation ever felt completely right to him. 

He never really could stop himself from watching them, which was getting more and more annoying since they all started to spend most of their free time together. Zach offered to take him to the gym so he could get some of his strength back, Alex came around often to hang out with Justin and all of them including Clay, Tyler, Jessica and Tony would be at Monet’s together more often than probably healthy. 

Justin was just glad to have some of his friends back. No one else seemed to be curious about Zach and Alex though and Justin was about ready to forget all about it. Until he found himself sitting with Alex alone in Clay’s room one night. 

They had been playing video games, but neither boy was really into it. Justin had been back in school for a few weeks by then and it was still pretty hard for him to stay clean and go to school and not disappoint everyone around him all the time. 

“Zach will come by later,” Alex mentioned. “He needs to drive me home anyway, my parents are both working. Thought we could all hang out.”

“Sure Dude.”

“Hey, can I ask you something?” Alex had asked him, looking like he’s rather be anywhere else. 

“Yeah, of course. Whatever man,” Justin answered sitting up straighter. 

“You and Jessica. Do you, do you think you will get back together?”

Justin shook his head slowly. “No, I really don’t think so. Too much has happened. That ship has sailed. It’s probably better anyway. For her definitely, but I’m starting to think for me too.”

Alex nodded slowly, his blue eyes wide open. He’s got pretty eyes, Justin remembered thinking, but was soon distracted by Alex speaking again. 

“I’m thinking about asking her out again”, he confessed and Justin had to hold back a startled noise. 

“What? Is it that ridiculous that she might go for that?” Alex tensed up and Justin could feel the anger radiating off of him. 

“No, dude, Alex, relax. That wasn’t what I meant at all. She would be lucky to have you, believe me. I just thought you might be interested in someone else, is all.”

Justin shrugged, unsure if he should continue to talk or it would be better to not voice his suspicion. 

Alex seemed taken aback. “What? Who? I haven’t really talked to any girls lately, if you hadn’t noticed.”  
“I have,” Justin answered and sighed. “That’s kind of my point though.”

Alex stilled beside him and didn’t say anything for a while. The silence was starting to make Justin more than a little nervous. He really didn’t mean to offend Alex or imply something that wasn’t true. 

“Shit man. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything by it. Let’s just forget I said anything, okay? I’m sorry.”

Alex looked at him with a sad look on his face. “Do you thing anyone else noticed? Do you think he noticed?”

“Uhm, I kinda thought you both did to be honest. You never talked about it?” 

“No, of course not. It’s just a stupid crush okay? No one needs to know about it and please, please don’t tell Zach. I really don’t want to lose him. I’m sure this will all pass soon.”

Justin couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He moved towards Alex until he was sitting right on front of the other boy. 

“Alex? Dude, are you crazy? Have you not seen the way Zach looks at you? You’re totally not the only one with a crush.”

“Wh-what? No way? I’m just a project for him. He could have anyone! Why would he want me?”#

Because even though you’re a sarcastic little shit, you just use it to hide how much you care about others and you’re funny and smart and you’re eyes could make anyone forget every bad thing that ever happened to them.

Justin didn’t voice his thoughts. So not the right moment. 

“Alex, believe me. I’ve known Zach for a long time. He has feelings for you. I promise. He’s probably thinking that you’re not into him. Try to talk to him.”

“No, I can’t. It’s not worth risking our friendship,” Alex replied but he looked sad. 

Justin didn’t push the issue further. Alex seemed reluctant to talk about it so maybe it was for the best to just let him be for now. 

“Let’s play another round, yeah?” Alex suggested and just like that the conversation was over. Zach came over a while later but Alex barely talked to him and they soon called it a night. 

For a few days Justin thought his conversation with Alex didn’t really have an impact but then Zach called his name after practice.

“Justin, hey, can we talk for a moment?” Zach asked, nervously looking around the almost empty locker room. 

“Yeah, sure what about?”

“I just, I was wondering of you knew what’s up with Alex? Ever since that night at your place he’s been acting super weird, distant. I’m worried about him.”

Justin contemplated his options. Zach looked seriously worried and he wanted to help, but it also wasn’t really his place to tell Alex’ secret. He couldn’t risk his friendship. 

He took another look at Zach only now noticing the dark shadows under his eyes. 

“Dude, you don’t look too good.”

“Yeah well, like I said I’m worried about Alex. Do you know something or not?”

Justin sighed. 

“Look Zach, I promise it’s nothing bad. At least nothing dangerous or anything that should keep you awake at night. Alex and I might have talked about something and I’m guessing that it’s about that, but I really can’t tell you.”

“Please Justin, I only want to know how I can help him. He was doing so much better lately, I hate seeing him like this again.” 

At that point Zach was giving him the most pitiful sad puppy dog eyes and Justin couldn’t fight the urge to hug the other boy any longer. Zach immediately relaxed into the hug and buried his face against Justin’s shoulder.

“Hey, trust me. It’s gonna be okay,” he promised while still hugging Zach. 

“Maybe you should just try to tell him how you feel. I think that might help.” Immediately Zach tensed in his embrace and took a step backwards. 

“I don’t, I’m not, It’s not like”, he trailed off slowly, apparently not really seeing the point of denying it himself. 

“You can’t fool me big guy. I’ve seen you have a crush more than once”, Justin tried to say lightheartedly. He didn’t really need Zach freaking out on him right now. 

“Just talk to Alex. I promise you you’ll feel better.”

Zach still looked kind of confused. It seemed like he really hadn’t expected to be called out on his feelings for Alex. 

“Okay”, Zach nodded slowly. His thoughts seemed to be very far away though. “I will do that then.” 

Without another word he left the locker room. Justin just stood there not sure what to do with himself. He really hoped he didn’t just make a big mistake. He wouldn’t forgive himself if he destroyed the friendship between two of his best friends. 

It turned out he shouldn’t have worried about it. The next day Zach and Alex showed up at school holding hands both seemingly unbothered by the stares of their classmates. 

“About time,” Tony said from where he was sitting beside Justin. “These two were giving me a headache with all their pining.”

Justin just laughed feeling relieved that his actions hadn’t backfired and happy for his friends. 

Both Alex and Zach thanked Justin for encouraging them to talk about their feelings and Justin had expected that to be it. 

And for a few weeks it was. Until suddenly Justin couldn’t do anything without either being accompanied by Zach or Alex or most often both of them. Neither boy offered any kind of explanation, they were just there suddenly. They sat with him during lunch, picked him up from his classes, Alex always offered to help with any homework and Zach picked him up for practice and usually would propose the three of them hang out afterwards. 

Justin didn’t really know what to make of it. At first he felt like it was maybe about them wanting to make sure he stayed clean, but surely Clay would be in on that and even he seemed confused. 

It was especially weird since it seemed to take up all of the time the two of them could have alone. They didn’t even act all that much like a couple around Justin. Sure they sometimes held hands or cuddled but he never even saw them kiss all that much. They cuddled during movies, but neither of them was shy to wrap an arm around Justin either. It was all very strange, but Justin couldn’t say that he didn’t enjoy it. 

He had always had a soft spot for Alex and he and Zach had been friends for so long that they knew each other better than most. As long as Justin didn’t think too hard about the fact that every time Alex gave him a real smile or Zach hugged him closer his heart skipped a beat, he would probably be fine. 

Until Alex kissed him during one of their movie nights. Justin, way too startled to do anything else so he just kissed him back. It wasn’t like he hadn’t thought about it a few thousand times already. It was better than he could have ever imagined. Alex kissed like he had something to prove and the desperation behind the kiss made Justin eager for more. 

He made a protesting noise when Alex pulled back suddenly and it took him a while to realize what had happened. Alex had kissed him. In front of Zach. His boyfriend. 

“What the hell?” Zach predictably exclaimed just seconds later and Justin was surprised that he sounded more confused than angry. He really wished that he wasn’t sitting between the two of them just now. 

“I got bored waiting for him to figure it out,” Alex shrugged. 

“Alex, you can’t just,” Zach started but then fell silent. Finally he sighed. “You’re probably right.”

“Uhm, guys? I’m still here. Could someone please fill me in what is going on?” 

Justin tried to play it cool, but his heart was beating faster than it had in a while and he couldn’t help but feel that he missed something very important. 

“Do you really need us to spell it out for you? Isn’t it obvious?” Alex asked, gesticulating wildly between the three of them. 

“Yes! Obviously!” 

“What did you think why we were spending all our time with you?” Alex seemed honestly annoyed right now and Justin flinched. What had he done to make him so angry? Just seconds ago they were kissing. 

“Alex,” Zach now chimed in warningly. “Look Justin, what my charming boyfriend is trying to say is that we, we kinda like you? Like a lot? And we weren’t really sure if you wanted to be with us, so we just thought that maybe you would get the hint if we just hung around you a lot.”

Justin was speechless. 

“That is the dumbest plan ever. Have you guys met me? I’m not that great at taking hints.” Clay would never stop laughing when he told him about this. 

“We were kinda desperate”, Zach said sheepishly. 

“That’s what you focus on right now? Serious Justin? We tell you we want to date you and you tell us we’re stupid? Well thanks.” Alex rolled his eyes and shifted away from Justin. 

“Whoa wait, I just meant that maybe you should have just told me. I didn’t say that I didn’t feel the same.”

“You do?” Alex looked suspicious. “Because if you’re joking it’s not funny. And it’s me and Zach, either you want both of us or not.”

“Alex, babe, stop being so defensive. Let Justin speak”, Zach reminded him but he looked nervous too. Justin turned to him.

“You want this too?

Zach just nodded, giving him a small smile. 

“Yeah, well then so do I.”

He maybe should have thought about it a little longer, but if he was being completely honest with himself he had accepted the fact that he had feelings for the both of them a little while ago, probably before they even started dating. He had also started to not question every good thing happening to him and to just let them happen. 

Before he could contemplate it any further Alex had already straddled his lap and was giving him an eager look. 

“Kiss Zach then.”

Justin complied easily, giving Zach a small smile before capturing his lips and letting Zach take the lead and deepen the kiss. They only pulled away when Alex shifted closer to them and sighed. 

“Just as hot as I had imagined.”

“You’re lucky this didn’t backfire”, Zach replied, still a little breathless from kissing Justin senseless, a huge smile on his face. Justin watched in silence as Alex rolled his eyes, put one hand on Justin’s chest and then leaned forward to kiss Zach, too. Zach’s hand landed on Justin’s thigh while he focused on Alex.

Justin thought that he could definitely get used to this. 

Now, almost four months later, he still couldn’t really understand how he had gotten so lucky. Alex and Zach had shown him for the first time in his life what a healthy romantic relationship should feel like and Justin was so in love with both of them he sometimes didn’t even know what to do with all the things he was feeling. 

Considering what all three of them had been through and the issues they had it was surprising how well they managed. Sure, all of them had their bad days but most of the time they helped each other through it one way or another. 

Their friends and family had reacted pretty positive about everything. Justin thought that after all the pain and loss most of them had faced too, the three of them dating and being happy was something good. Maybe a little weird at first but everyone got used to it rather fast. 

Justin had been quite terrified of Mr. Standall even after both Alex and Zach had reassured them that the man had changed a lot since Alex had tried to take his own life. When Mr. Standall had caught all three of them cuddling on Alex’ bed, Justin had almost attempted to jump out of the window. Zach had caught him at the last second. 

It had been an awkward conversation but in the end Mr. Standall had just said that whatever made Alex happy he would support. 

“Dude, he didn’t even tell you that if you break his heart he would find you and hurt you. You got off very easy believe me,” Zach assured him after they were alone again. He was sitting on Alex’ bed with Alex leaning against his chest. He rested his chin on Alex’ shoulder and had both of his arms wrapped around him. Both of them were watching Justin pace the room while he was contemplating all the things he had said or done wrong in the last half hour.

“Yeah, because I told him off when he did that with you,” Alex replied. 

“Whatever the reason, you’re lucky Justin. It’s fine. Stop worrying.”

“And come back here.” Alex held out his hand. 

Justin took it and let himself fall on his boyfriends with a dramatic sigh. 

Clay had taken it all pretty well, although there had been an incident once where they got distracted from doing homework in Justin’s room and Clay had walked in on them. 

“Justin, you’re my brother and you know I love and I’m happy that you’re happy. Please let this never happen again,” Clay had said with a pained expression on his face.

Then he had fled the room and had only come back after Justin had assured him that Zach and Alex had left. Clay didn’t look either of them in the eyes for a week.

Alex had made a point of being extra affectionate with them that week. They both played along gladly. 

Jessica loved it. She told everyone who asked, and some people who didn’t ask, that her two ex-boyfriends were now both dating each other and the hottest jock in their class. 

“I will tell this to everyone I might ever date, just to show them what could happen if they mess it up. This is so great.”

Despite the jokes she had been really supportive and Justin had found himself going to her every time he needed advice, which didn’t happen all that often. Their relationship was good and mostly drama free and exactly what Justin needed. 

All the more reason to be freaking out now. 

“I can’t tell them, Jess. I just can’t.” He hates how desperate he sounds. 

Jessica pauses for a second like she’s looking for the right words. 

“It’s okay if you’re not ready to tell them Justin. It’s okay if you need time. Take all the time you need, it’s your decision. But if you’re scared to tell them because you think they will love you less or that it will change anything, then there’s really no need for it. Zach and Alex love you so much, you know that right? You boys are doing so great.”

“Exactly. And here I go again making it complicated and probably fucking it up.”

“Hey, you’re not. Just have some faith in them, and in your relationship. Just talk to them whenever you feel ready and I promise it will be fine.”  
Justin looks up at her, tears in his eyes. “I’m scared they’ll be disgusted by me, won’t touch me again,” he confesses. 

Jessica only hugs him tighter. “I get it, believe me I do. But would you feel like that if it was one of them?”

“Of course not. Never!”

“See? They love you just the same. Everything will be alright. I promise.”

She kisses his forehead and they stay wrapped up in one another for a long while, neither feeling ready to let go just yet. 

It’s Clay who finds them eventually, offering Justin a ride home. 

“Call me whenever you need to yes?” Jessica reminds him again and Justin only nods. 

Both he and Clay hug her goodbye and then they are walking towards the parking lot. 

Neither of them talks and Justin is grateful for it. One breakdown in school is more than enough for his taste. 

He checks his phone on the way home. He has 5 missed calls from Zach, 8 from Alex and about 50 messages in their group chat. 

He decides to not read them all. Instead he sends a short “I’m okay, going home with Clay now, sorry for ditching you guys. Talk tomorrow ya? Love you.” and hopes that it will be enough for today. He’s tired and he knows that he should at least tell Clay today. He probably won’t push Justin to talk but Justin knows how much his brother worries and that he has a tendency to lose it a little of he is alone with his thoughts for too long. 

He tries to ignore the voice in his head that Alex is also really great at that. It’s all too much. 

They have dinner with Lainie and Matt and Justin is grateful for a short moment of everything feeling normal. 

All too soon though he’s alone with Clay in their room. 

“We don’t have to talk about it,” is the first thing Clay says because of course he would. Justin rolls his eyes. 

“We both know that’s a lie. Come on, let’s get it over with.”

Justin tells Clay the same things that he had told Jessica before. He tries to act nonchalant, like it isn’t a big deal but he can tell that Clay sees right through him. 

“So yeah, that’s basically it. It’s really fine, it’s cool. I’m handling it.” 

“I’m sorry,” Clay says. “You’re my brother, man. You ever need anything, just say the word. I’ll always be there” Justin can tell that he wants to say more, wants to get angry or emotional and he’s glad that he’s trying to play it down for Justin. 

Justin nods. He knows. “Like I said, I’m fine. Things have been so much better lately. They really have been.”

“Do you want to talk with Mom and Dad about it?”

“Eventually yeah, but I think I need a little more time. It’s all been a little too much.”

“Yeah, I get that.”

Clay wants to say something else but they are interrupted by a knock on the door. 

“Justin? Are you there?” 

It’s Zach. He sounds upset. 

Justin looks at the door in panic, before looking at Clay. 

“Please”, he whispers. “I can’t see them right now. Please just tell him that I’ll talk to them tomorrow and that I’m sorry?”

“Are you sure?” Clay whispers back. “They are probably freaking out.”

Justin closes his eyes. “I know, fuck I know. But I can’t, not yet. Please Clay.”

“Okay, okay, relax. Just give me a second.”

He can’t hear what they are saying, both talking in low voices, but he can tell from the sound of Zach’s voice that he’s disappointed. 

He thinks “I’m sorry” a thousand times over while waiting for Clay to close the door again. 

“He’s gone,” Clay lets him know a few minutes later, while sitting down beside Justin. 

“Thanks.” Justin wraps his arms around himself. He feels horrible and he misses both of them already. 

“He was really upset. So is Alex, Zach said,” Clay doesn’t sound accusing but it still makes Justin feel worse. 

“I’m terrified”, he admits. “Really fucking terrified that this will change everything and I will lose them. I can’t do that Clay, I really can’t.”

“You won’t. They are Zach and Alex. You definitely know them better than I do and even I can see that they love you so much. They just want to look out for you.”

“I don’t want them having to do that. I just want to be normal.”

“I think normal stopped being a possibility for any of us along time ago. It’s not like Zach and Alex don’t have stuff they have to deal with, everyone does. That’s the point of friends and family and lovers right? To make it all a little easier? To support each other no matter what. So let them. You deserve it.”

Justin hates it when Clay has a point. 

“It’s still scary. I just don’t want anything to change,” he sighs. He just wants to be with them, without them seeing some broken kid every time they look at him.

“Then don’t let anything change. All I know is that this not talking nonsense is bullshit and it’s hurting all of you. Jesus, I can’t even remember the last time you actually spend a Friday night here.”

He’s right again, of course. They usually spend every night they can together, most often at Alex’ place since Zach’s Mom is still not all that comfortable with them being together and Justin shares a room with Clay. 

They barely fit into Alex’ bed but none of them really mind usually cuddling anyway. Justin thinks his favorite place in the whole world is probably right between the two of them, Zach’s arm wrapped around his waist, placing gentle kisses against Justin’s neck while Alex is cuddled up against his chest. He would gladly spend every minute of his life between these two. He already misses them so bad. 

But still, there’s a little voice inside his head telling him that they won’t love him anymore if they know, that they’ll be disgusted by him or decide he’s too damaged to waste their time on. He knows it’s irrational, but that doesn’t make it easier. 

He buries his face in his pillow with a dramatic sigh. 

“Okay, I have an idea. Tonight we hang out. We can play video games or watch a movie or whatever, but tomorrow you go and talk to your boyfriends. Okay?” 

Clay’s suggestion sounds reasonable enough and Justin desperately wants to think about something else, so he agrees. 

They play video games which is good because it distracts him at least for a while. It’s only when he’s lying in bed that night that his thoughts drift back to his boyfriends. He hopes they are okay. He hopes all of them will be if he talks to them tomorrow. He falls asleep after what feels like hours of tossing and turning, but that’s still more sleep than he expected.   
*  
“He doesn’t trust us!” Alex exclaims for the hundredth time that night. He’s pacing in his room, while Zach sits on his bed hugging a pillow to his chest. 

“He needs time. It’s not really our place to decide when and who he tells stuff like that to,” Zach answers, also repeating himself for the umpteenth time. 

They had tried to catch Justin after the assembly but Jessica had been right there and Alex also really wanted to speak to Tyler. So they had let Justin walk out with Jessica, both understanding that she was probably the better person to talk to for now. It was only after they didn’t come back for a while that they tried to look for Justin but he didn’t answer any of his calls or messages. 

Justin’s short message had only made both of them more worried. “I thought he would come find us after he talked to Jessica,” Alex had said. They were both still sitting in the gym, waiting for Justin, their hands intertwined.   
“Yeah, me too,” Zach agreed.

After their failed attempt of getting to Justin at his home, they went to Alex’ place, where they had spent their evening restless and worried. 

Alex shoots Zach an annoyed look. “I know that, but if he can tell the whole school and he can talk to Jessica, then why is he hiding from us?”

“I wish I knew,” Zach sighs only hugging the pillow tighter. It’s Justin’s and it smells like him. It makes Alex stop pacing for a moment and his face softens while looking at Zach. He looks fragile. 

After some hesitation Alex gives in and climbs on the back and into Zach’s waiting arms, cuddling against his chest. 

“He never said anything. Did we miss something?” Alex asks, quieter this time. 

“It’s possible, but I guess with all the stuff with his Mom and his addiction it’s probably hard to tell where every single issue comes from.” There’s so much sadness in Zach’s voice that Alex stills for a second trying not to give into his own sadness too much. 

“Yeah, but I mean, did we ever hurt him? I can be pretty bossy during sex. You’re not supposed to do that right?”

“Jesus, Alex. Don’t even think that. You know it’s different for everyone and we don’t even know what happened. Justin always seemed very into everything we did. I think.” 

Zach doesn’t sound as convinced as he intends to sound. He continues anyway, because he knows that Alex needs him to be reassuring right now. 

“Let’s just wait until he actually talks to us. We’ll all figure it out together then. There’s no use in freaking out right now,” he kisses Alex’ hair and Alex looks up at him. 

“I love him so much. I just want him to be okay,” Alex admits and Zach nods. 

“So do I, but the best way to help him is to respect it if he needs some space. He’s safe with Clay. Let’s just try to be patient.”

“I hate it when you’re the reasonable one. That’s my job,” Alex pouts. 

“I heard it’s healthy if you switch it up sometimes in relationships,” Zach replies unbothered. 

“That sounds super dirty.”

“Yeah, well, maybe it’s meant that way. Who knows?”

They stay silent for a while, both lost in their own thoughts. 

“I miss Justin,” Zach says after a while. “He promised to go jogging with me tomorrow morning.”

Alex laughs. “You’ve been trying for months now. You know staying in bed with me wins over going jogging with you every single time.”

“Only because you play dirty,” Zach smiles. 

Alex shrugs and smiles widely. “Not my fault that I’m fantastic in bed.”

“Yeah, I’m not complaining either,” Zach pauses for a second. “We’ll be alright, Alex. I really do believe that. You, Justin and me, we belong together.”

Alex smiles weakly. “You’re such a softie.”

Zach only nods, not even bothering to protest. When it comes to Justin and Alex there really isn’t anything he wouldn’t do. 

“Let’s try to sleep,” Zach suggests and Alex agrees weakly. 

“Guess there’s nothing else to do anyway.”

They get ready for bed and under the covers in silence. Alex rests his head on Zach’s chest, while Zach wraps a protective arm around him. Alex’ bed is small, but they still press against each other more than necessary, leaving the space that Justin usually occupies empty. It’s silly but neither boy comments on it. 

They both lie awake for a long time.   
*

It’s ten minutes after seven when Justin gives up on trying to trick his mind into going back to sleep. He has been lying awake for a while then, but he’s just too nervous about facing Alex and Zach to even think about sleep. 

With a sigh he gets up, searches for some clean clothes and heads to the house for a shower. Luckily no one is awake and not even twenty minutes later he’s on his way. He tries to stay calm but it’s not working all that well. 

He’s also aware that Zach and Alex are probably still asleep but if he sat at home waiting for one of them asking him to come over he would probably lose his mind a little. Better to just get it done with. 

It’s Mr. Standall who opens the door, already in his uniform and ready to head out. 

“Justin, good morning. We missed you at dinner last night, son.”

“Good morning, sir. I’m sorry, I had a family thing last night.”

Mr. Standall nods. “Go on up then, something tells me you’re being missed. You boys have a nice day. Don’t get in any trouble, okay?”

“Of course not, sir. Have a good day at work.”

Mr. Standall gives him a small smile, before closing the door. Justin slowly climbs up the stairs.

He pauses for a second before opening the door to Alex’s room. His heart is racing and his palms feel sweaty. He wishes this was already over and they could just go back to being them again without discussing anything serious ever. He knows it’s ridiculous but he indulges the idea for a second. 

“Don’t be a coward, Foley,” he mutters to himself before he finally enters the room and closes the door again quietly. 

Alex and Zach are fast asleep as expected. Zach’s arm is still wrapped around Alex protectively. They look peaceful. 

They don’t need you. They are already complete without you. There’s no room for a damaged boy between them. Just leave now and let them be happy. 

For a second he considers actually listening to the voice inside his head but it hits him how much he loves those two boys in front of him. So he ignores that voice. He’d promised himself and them once that he would fight for this.

He’s still contemplating his next move when Zach opens his eyes slowly. Justin swears that his heart stops for a second.

Zach seems disoriented at first, but then his eyes land on Justin. 

“Hey,” his voice sounds soft, still barely awake but he’s smiling. 

Justin watches as Zach untangles himself from Alex very carefully. Without saying a word he opens the door again and gently nudges Justin outside. They try to be as quiet as possible even though they both know that the chances of Alex waking up are very slim. Once Alex is asleep there’s not much that would wake him up. 

Once in the hallway, they stare at each other in silence. Zach’s hair is still all messed up from sleep and Justin has to resist the urge to run his fingers through it. He doesn’t though instead he tries to find the right words.

“Zach, I,” Justin starts but before he can get another word out, Zach has already closed the little distance that was between them and wraps both of his arms around Justin’s back to pull him against his chest. He buries his face against Justin’s neck and makes a happy sound. 

“Missed you so fucking much,” he states and Justin happily wraps one of his arms around Zach’s waist, while his other hand finds its way into Zach’s hair. 

“I missed you, too. Both of you,” Justin admits. “I’m sorry for avoiding you.”

“It’s fine, no need to apologize,” Zach assures him his voice so soft and full of care that it breaks his heart a little. 

They stay like this for a while, just hugging each other and enjoying the others embrace. Zach seems content to just hold him and Justin is glad that Zach knows better than to ask any questions. He knows that if they talk about this it has to be all three of them anyway. 

“How about we try to get some more sleep?” Zach suggests. “I know I was awake half the night and I’m not sure when Alex fell asleep, probably very late. No need to wake him up just yet. What do you say?”

“Yeah, yeah that sounds good,” Justin agrees, giving Zach a grateful smile. Now that the irrational part of his brain that expected to be kicked out as soon as one of them laid eyes on him has been silenced, he’s actually starting to feel sleepy again. 

“Come on then,” Zach takes his hand carefully while they enter the room. Justin quickly takes of his shoes, jeans and jacket while Zach waits for him patiently. 

“Alex still asleep?” Justin whispers before climbing into bed. 

“When is he ever not?” Zach only replies. 

Justin carefully lies down on his side facing Alex. He looks peaceful and Justin can’t help staring at him. Once again he’s overwhelmed with how much love he’s feeling. He hopes he will never cause Zach or Alex pain. 

Justin sighs happily as Zach lies down too, spooning Justin, one hand wrapped firmly around his waist. 

“Go to sleep,” Zach instructs softly. “We’ll figure this all out soon.”

He leans over Justin to kiss his cheek quickly before lying back down pulling him against his chest. Justin relaxes. He really hopes they will but for now sleep sounds like a good idea. 

He’s not sure how long he sleeps, but he wakes up because he feels someone gently stroking his cheek. When Justin opens his eyes he’s looking directly into Alex’ blue eyes. His heart skips a beat. 

For a few seconds they only look into the others eyes. 

“You’re here,” Alex finally whispers. 

“Where else would I be?”

Alex smiles at that. He hesitates a second before he leans forward and kisses Justin gently. 

“I’m just glad you’re here,” he admits and scoots closer towards Justin so that they are chest to chest. Justin entangles one of his legs with Alex’ and wraps an arm around his waist. 

“You should know by now, that there’s nothing that could keep me away from the two of you.”

Justin can tell that Alex wants to say something about last night, wants to mention that he did stay away then but for once Alex seems to be in control of his words. Justin’s not sure if that makes him feel better or worse. 

The last thing he wants is for either of them to treat him differently or like he might break any second. He doesn’t want their pity, he only wants their love. 

“I’m sorry for avoiding you yesterday,” he apologizes instead but Alex shakes his head. 

“I get it, I think.”

Justin feels Zach stir behind him and seconds later Zach’s arm that was still wrapped around Justin’s waist disappears and he can feel Zach sitting up behind him. Justin let’s go of Alex slowly so he can turn around to look at him. 

“Morning, again,” Zach mumbles smiling at both of them. 

“Morning,” both Alex and Justin reply. 

No one says anything more for a second. Justin feels like they might be waiting for him to speak. Eventually Alex decides to sit up too so that they are both looking down at Justin. 

He hides his face against his pillow. 

Immediately there’s a hand in his hair and another on his back stroking him soothingly. The nervousness and fear are definitely back. He wishes he could just skip this part. 

“Justin, it’s fine. We can go downstairs, have breakfast, spend the whole day doing nothing or go outside or actually do homework, whatever you want is fine. We don’t have to have this conversation now, if you don’t want to we never have to,” Zach reassures him.

“Zach’s right. We’re here whatever you need.”

Justin wishes everyone would stop being so sweet. He knows he doesn’t have to, he get’s that it’s his story to tell and his decision, he heard it all, about Hannah and Jessica and the other girls but he knew the moment he stood up at the assembly that it was time to talk about it. And it felt good with Jessica and Clay and he knows that he will absolutely tell Matt and Lainie and that it will be alright too. 

But Alex and Zach are different. He loves them differently. He doesn’t want to boil it down to sex but the fact that they are having sex is definitely making this harder. He really just doesn’t want anything to change. 

“Oh what the hell, I’m tired of panicking about this,” Justin says and abruptly sits up. He moves towards the foot of the bed so that he’s facing both Zach and Alex, but not actually touching them. 

He takes a deep breath and looks at them again. At Alex who’s all wide-eyed attention and Zach who’s brown eyes are intently locked on Justin a soft expression on his face. 

“Maybe, just let me speak, yeah? I wanna say it all just to get it done with. First of all, again I’m sorry about yesterday. I know you guys get it but it’s still not cool to have you worry about me. I should have called at least. Also, yeah yesterday was the first time I ever admitted that to anyone. I felt like maybe it was time. I told Clay and Jessica since then. And I wanna tell both of you, because I love you and I trust you.”

And so he does. It’s harder than it was with Jessica or Clay, he’s shacking horribly, his voice is close to breaking a few times. He keeps his eyes on his hands scared that if he looks at either of their faces, he will lose it completely. He only looks up once he’s finished. 

There are tears on Zach’s cheeks, while Alex looks more angry than sad. They are all silent for a few seemingly never-ending seconds. 

Justin can’t take it, so he just continues talking. “I just, it’s not something I think about that often, seriously. Not more than my Mom, or the drugs, it’s all one big fucked up mess and it happened and I’ve felt like I’ve been a lot better these last few months. Since I’m clean, and I live with the Jensens and the three of us are together. I’ve been happy for the first time ever. I just really don’t want anything to change between us.”

“It won’t,” Alex reassures him immediately and he looks determined. “Never Justin, nothing. I love you so much.”

“So do I,” Zach chimes in. “I’m really sorry all that stuff happened to you.”

“Like I said can’t change the past,” he shrugs but he feels awkward. 

It takes him a second to understand that it’s because he has his two boyfriends sitting in front of him, all three of them being emotional and yet they are all sitting apart and he realizes that they are probably waiting for him to say it’s alright to touch him. He hates that this is something that might make them think it’s not. 

“You can come closer, hug me or something,” he says and it just feels weird. He never had to ask for affection before and it makes him feel extremely ridiculous. 

Immediately Zach and Alex are in front of him both wrapping their arms around him. 

“We’re here for you always,” Zach reassures him again quietly. Justin buries his face against Zach’s chest while Alex scoots closer to both of them, his hand rubbing soothing circles against Justin’s back.

Justin doesn’t know if it’s all the emotions of the last two days, or the actual memories or just the fact they he’s here right now with them, but one second he’s fine and the next he’s crying like he didn’t cry in a long time, ugly sobs and tears streaking down his face and all that. 

“Hey, hey, it’s alright. We got you,” Alex says but he sounds close to tears himself. Justin cries against Zach’s chest while Alex sits beside him. He can feel Zach wrapping his arms tighter around both of them. They stay like this for a long time. Justin’s not sure but he feels they might be crying too. 

Eventually he calms down a little. Zach and Alex are still muttering calming words now and then. 

He takes a few deep breaths before sitting up a little. “Well, that was embarrassing.”

Apparently neither Alex nor Zach expected that because they both let out a startled laugh. 

“Good thing we all cried then, that means no one will tell,” Alex replies. They all laugh at that too. 

They move into a more comfortable position after that. Justin still in the middle curled up under Alex’ arm, Zach half draped over him half hugging him from behind. 

“I think there are a few things Alex and me would like to know. Is that okay Justin?” Zach asks carefully and Justin nods. 

“Anything. I’ve never kept secrets from you guys.”

“Did we ever,” Alex starts but then abruptly falls silent again. “How does it still affect you? Like a there things you’re not comfortable with? Anything we should know.”

Justin thinks about that for a second. “I don’t know, honestly. I guess, I mean I wouldn’t be comfortable with violence or anything, but who is?”

“Some people are during sex or something.”

“Yeah, I don’t think I would be,” Justin admits. “Anything else?”

“Did we ever make you feel uncomfortable? Like generally, or during sex or anything?” Justin can tell that Zach is scared of the answer and the way Alex stills beside him, he probably is too.”

Justin shakes his head. “No, never. I trust you both, I know you would never do anything to hurt me. I promise you, everything we ever did, I was 100% fine with it. I would have said something otherwise.”

Both Zach and Alex visibly relax at that. Alex leans forward again to kiss Justin’s forehead. 

“Oh, by the way I don’t have any diseases, if you’re worried about that. Lainie took me to some fancy doctor who basically tested everything. It’s all good.”

Alex looks down at him in disbelief. “You think that’s what we’re worried about? We want to know how to make sure you’re okay, nothing more okay?” 

Justin kisses his cheek apologetically. “I know, Alex. I care about you guys being safe though too.”

“You we’re really freaked out about telling us, right?” Zach asks carefully. “Did you think we wouldn’t want you anymore or something like that?”

Justin turns a little to look at Zach’s face. He still seems sad. 

“Yes and no. I was just worried because I’ve been really happy with the way things are between us and I didn’t want anything to mess that up. I just don’t want either of you to see me as even more fucked up than you know I am and I don’t want you to treat me any differently. Rationally I knew you wouldn’t just leave me if I told you but that didn’t really stop me from worrying about it.”

“There’s nothing that could make me stop loving you. Either of you,” Zach says without missing a beat while looking at Justin intently. 

Justin kisses him gently way too overwhelmed with feelings to get out any actual words. Instead he deepens the kiss and pushes Zach until he is lying on his back and Justin can climb on top of him. 

Only then does he pull back a little to whisper a soft “I love you, too” against Zach’s lips. Without saying a word they both look at Alex, who has been watching the both of them quietly. 

Justin holds out his hand and Alex takes it gladly letting himself be pulled against Justin again. 

“And I love you,” he tells Alex quietly. 

“I love you too. What Zach said goes for me too. There’s nothing that could make me love you less,” Alex assures him and then they are kissing too. Alex kisses him with more desperation than Zach did, his right hair tangling in Justin’s hair while his tongue brushes against Justin’s lips. They both smile into the kiss. 

They are both breathing heavy when they pull back and look back at Zach. He’s smiling softly too. 

“Sooooo, what’s the plan for the day then? At least the time that we haven’t spend sleeping or crying or being way too cheesy?” Alex asks. He and Zach look at Justin questioningly. 

“I don’t know about you guys, but I’m hungry.”

“Me too,” Zach agrees. 

Alex groans. “You’re always hungry.”

“So feed us, we’re your guests,” Justin demands and Alex rolls his eyes. 

“You’re not guests, I think if you two didn’t already have homes my parents would have adopted both of you by now. You’re here more often than anywhere else. You can make your own food.”

“But you make the best pancakes,” Zach argues now and Justin nods enthusiastically. 

“I swear, I hate both of you. Stop giving me those sad eyes, it’s not fair. Especially if you gang up on me.”

Justin tries to look even sadder and he knows that Zach is doing the same underneath him without looking. 

“Fine, fine, whatever. I’m making pancakes but you’re doing the dishes later.” With that Alex stands up slowly. His pissed off routine would be a lot more convincing if he didn’t rustle Justin’s hair on the way out. 

Justin smiles at him fondly. 

“Alright, time to get up then, Foley,” Zach announces, while making no attempts to actually move or get away from under Justin. 

“Sure, Dempsey,” Justin agrees not moving either. 

He leans down again to make out with Zach some more. Partly because he wants to and partly because they both know that it will annoy Alex even more, if they leave him alone while cooking. 

It’s a good Saturday. They finish breakfast at around noon, Justin and Zach keeping their promise to do the dishes. The rest of the day they do nothing but hang around in Alex’s room watching movies and playing video games or make out again. It’s perfect and Justin wouldn’t mind if things could be like this forever.

**Author's Note:**

> leave a comment if you liked it. or didn't. this is my fist story in this fandom so I'm not sure how well I captured the characters if I'm honest. 
> 
> I might write more for these three so prompts are welcome too.


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